I don’t know how else to say it
And I have been debating for a very long time whether or not to send and email about it.
You see, I do not deal with death very well. Or not at all actually. I prefer to avoid it. Not talk about it. And wait until it goes away. In total denail.
So I was just going to send a general email that said “may be out of the office for awhile. Not sure how long”
But then I start writing… and this is what is coming out….
I think it started when my grandmother passed away after a long battle with a sickness when I was in my teens.
She was the most important person in the world to me.
She introduced me to 2 of my life loves (and more).
She is responsible for my love of books. Always reading to me. A trip to grandma’s house meant a trip to another world. A new dimension of endless possiblities. A place where rules of the world didn’t matter… if you could think it… grandma could get your there.
My love of humor.
My grandma was that silliest person I ever met. Always smiling. Always had a joke. always made sure everyone around her had a good time. When you were in her presence.. you smiled… even before the joke came.
Yeah… she had that effect. Losing her changed me. I never fully dealt with it then. So every new death feels like I am reliving my grandma’s death all over again…
and it hurts….
Too much for one person to bear……
But that is not why I am writing today….
That was a long time ago.
Right now… It is happening again.
This time it is my Aunt. My dad’s baby sister. The youngest of 7 siblings… and she is first. She was barely 50!
Coroner says how decomposed the body was she had to have gone almost a week ago. But she lived alone and nobody found her. Now the body is not even recognizable. So cremation is the only optoin
Her daughter… the closest one to her…wanted to go on a trip with her lover and have my aunt watch her dogs.
My aunt refused.
So they got into a big fight and my cousin wasn’t speaking to her mother over it.
The last time she spoke to her mom she was telling her how awful she was for not watching her dog…
Right out of a movie right. Wish I could make this stuff up. So that is why it was over a week before someone went by the house again.
We pick fights over the stupidest things. What we think is soooooooo damn important at the time. In the end.. dont mean a damn thing!
I did not intent for this to be a long gushing telling email. it started as an “out of office” textbook message. You know… being “professional” (a robot) and all to keep subscribers happy right? Give off the appearance of a superhero, right?
But why do I have to pretend I am not human.
Why is it that just because I am the business owner I have to be “ON” 24/7. Answering emails that get angry responses if I don’t reply within 30 minutes?
Or only talking about you and all the things I can do for you.
Or sending you offer after boring offer of the next latest and greatest thing like the other 3 dozen emails you probably got today?
Sorry to say… I am having a moment
A moment of real life
Yes. Life happens to me too. Not always good. Most days.. awesome. but it happens.
And right now… I am not having a good time.
SO please excuse me if my answers seem short.
Please excuse me if my replies seem a bit belated.
Please don’t curse me if I have not put up a new training video for you this week.
Right now I am planning how to get my immediate family to Sacramento so I can be there for my Dad while he buries his baby sister. My dad is having a worse day than me. So I have to be strong… for him. For them. For me.
Right now I am questioning my entire existence.
Funny it has to come to this…
And it may sound cliche… but life is way to short to spend a single moment of it doing crap you don’t enjoy.
If you knew these were your last days… would you have really spent it doing what you have been doing?
I know I would not have if I am being honest…
And that scares me. What am I waiting for?
What are YOU waiting for?
Are you sure it is coming?
P. James Holland